Czech Suit
by RavenWeavesTales
Summary: AN:This is my first fanfic.  It's unbetaed,humorous,and came from my brain.  You have been warned.  lol   :O


Czech Suit

"Stupid condition for trade agreement", Radek growls, glaring distastefully at his suit.

"Mork and Mindy should get royalty," he mutters, fingering the soft, stretchy material. The rich black fabric, cool to the touch initially, slowly warms against Radek's fingertips. He studies the suit, pulling on the arms and legs, humming softly when the appendages return to their original, small size. Radek balls up his fist and shoves it into the arm sleeve. A snug fit but not uncomfortable. Radek looks up when his chamber door opens. Major Evan Lorne enters accompanied by two regent guards and a beautiful raven haired woman.

"Scientist Zelenka, does the color suit you?" Lithia asks, her blue eyes roving over Radek's tense body.

"I do not care about color. I care about how I will fit into this torture device."

Lithia snorts and rolls her eyes.

"As I have explained repeatedly to Soldier Lorne, our trade agreement must be sealed with the Dance of Unity. It promotes strong relations between our peoples."

"Why me? I am scientist, not dance champion…surely one of the others must be more capable of completing this aspect of the agreement," Radek retorts, looking pointedly at Lorne.

"Soldiers are not allowed to participate in the Dance of Unity and your cadet scientists do not have enough experience for such a task…that leaves you. You are the most wise among your delegation. This is a great honor Scientist Zelenka. The fact our council agreed to trade with the Lanteans at all is testament to their high regard for you and your science team." Radek smirks at Lorne's eye roll. The soldiers had been all but ignored during the trade negotiations with the Zian.

"I am glad you agree Scientist Zelenka. I will send for the removal oils…"

"Removal oils?"

"Yes, to remove your body hair. Otherwise the suit will itch unmercifully. Soldier Lorne volunteered to be your attendant should you require assistance. I must bid you leave to prepare for the dance. I will see you in the Sacred Hall." Lithia bows and exits with the regent guards. Radek gapes at the closed door as Lorne chokes back a snicker.

"I never should've left Atlantis. It's McKay's fault I'm about to be hairless. I'll never live this down. Hair removal products will pop up in lab, my quarters, mess hall…" Both men shudder at the image of Nair bottles next to the milk and juice.

"There will be countless 'smooth as baby's bottom' wise cracks and stupid Mork and Mindy references…" Radek's tirade stops when a grey haired man enters with a large bowl of spicy scented, warm oil. The man bows then places the bowl on the bedside table. He hands Radek a tiny hoe shaped implement.

"You honor us with your dance Scientist Zelenka. The duuga will remove resistant hair the scented trawpa oil cannot. Gentle motions dislodge the tough strands. It is your choice if you wish to groom your nethers…" A strangled snort cough escapes Lorne. Radek and Grey Hair glare at the amused soldier.

"Once you are hairless, apply this powder to help you slide into the Nykl. Your dress boots are under the bed. Once fully dressed, knock on the chamber door twice. Your attendant, Soldier Lorne, may accompany you as far as the Sacred Hall's anteroom. The High Priestess' acolyte will escort you into the Sacred Hall itself. You honor us with your dance Scientist Zelenka. The people of Zian thank you." Grey Hair bows again and exits the room. Lorne smirks as he checks out the chamber's huge bathroom. Radek rolls his eyes and paces the chamber floor.

"I am not field that needs clearing. I like my hair where it is…has served me well. Couldn't survive harsh Czech winters without it. I don't want to be a baby's bottom…pink and hairless. I'm a grown man damnit, not Chippendale dancer!" An appreciative whistle draws Radek to the huge bathroom. Lorne grins, his arms stretched wide in a mock game show bimbo pose.

"This is for me?"

"Pretty snazzy Doc. You could fit our entire military and science teams in that tub. They like you Doc…they really, really like you," Lorne quips, batting his eyes at Radek. The Czech's attention falls on his reflection in the wall to wall floor length mirrors.

"This is horrible nightmare. I'm in infirmary with high fever and my brain leaking out of my ears."

"Ya know, this bathroom looks likes it's straight out of a good porn movie."

"Thank you Major. I didn't think this could be any worse…I stand corrected…in a great porn movie's bathroom."

"Sorry about that Doc. Just tryin' to lighten the mood for ya."

"I appreciate your concern Major. Can we get this over with so I may die of embarrassment please?" Lorne chuckles as he helps Radek carry the various

grooming tools into the bathroom.

"You gonna be okay Doc?"

"Ask me when this is over hmm?"

"Sure thing Doc." Lorne heads for the bathroom door then turns to Radek.

"Here's your hoe. Don't wear her out." Lorne tosses the duuga onto the vanity top and dodges Radek's balled up shirt.

"Dimpled rat bastard! No hot water for you when we return to Atlantis!"

Two hours later, Radek enters the Sacred Hall. The Nykl's fabric hugs the Czech's frame and shows off his masculine physique. Radek's blue eyes sparkle in the fire light and he nervously pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Murmurs of approval echo throughout the crowded room. Lithia, clad in a hunter green Nykl, beams at Radek when he approaches.

"You look quite dashing Scientist Zelenka. The High Priestess will perform the blessing then we will perform the Dance of Unity."

"Lithia, I am no dancer. I am scientist with two left feet and no sense of rhythm…"

"The acolytes will perform a mock unity dance to familiarize you with the steps. Do not fear Scientist Zelenka. Your participation is the most important aspect of the Dance of Unity. Just relax and feel the steps, the rest will come." Lithia leads Radek to the High Priestess and the Hall falls quiet during her invocation. Soon acolytes prepare the actual dance area and classical style music fills the air. Radek studies the dancers, committing the steps to memory. The routine is not unlike Ballroom Dancing back on Earth. Radek grins and silently thanks his grandmother for all of the Ballroom Dance lessons she taught him during his childhood.

"Are you ready Scientist Zelenka?"

"Yes, I believe so. I apologize in advance for stepping on your toes." Lithia smiles coyly as they enter the dance floor. The music restarts as the pair assume their respective places. A brief moment passes before they touch then slowly meld together, caressing the dance floor with their fluid movements. Time fades away as the couple executes intricate dance routines. A final, haunting melody filters through the Sacred Hall during the pair's final steps. Thunderous applause assaults Radek and Lithia and the crowd tosses flower petals onto the couple. They bow and graciously exit the dance floor. Radek grins as he plops into an empty chair.

"I hope that was acceptable."

"We have never had a Dance of Unity so well received…or performed. This is truly a sign from the Ancestors that our peoples were meant to become trade partners. I am greatly honored by your heart felt participation Scientist Zelenka. When you are ready, an acolyte will escort you back to your chambers so that you may bathe and change back into your regular clothes. After you have rested, we will head to the Feast of Unity…"

"Feast of Unity?"

"A grand celebration given only to those who truly felt the Dance of Unity. Very few dance from the heart as you did Scientist Zelenka. It is a great honor I hope you will enjoy." Lithia kisses Radek's left cheek then disappears into the waiting crowd.

One long hot bath and many hours of feasting later, Lorne gently guides the exhausted Czech through their very cramped Jumper. He grins as Radek sinks into the co-pilot's seat while he runs through the Jumper's pre-flight sequence.

"You okay Doc? You're singing…loudly."

"Never better Major. Was awesome party no?"

"You totally rocked 'em. Those Zian seemed pretty taken with ya, especially that Lithia woman." A grin and contented sigh escapes the drowsy Czech. Lorne smirks then glances back to their packed Jumper. Zian gifts crowd every available nook and cranny in the Jumper and only Scientist Zelenka and his trusty attendant, Soldier Lorne, may accompany the sacred gifts back to Atlantis in Jumper 2. Needless to say, Jumper 8 became a human sardine tin full of whiny scientists and irritated soldiers. Sometimes rank does have its privileges.

"What was that Doc? I zoned out for a minute."

"Happy feet. Lithia liked my happy feet. Great rhythm."

"I'm not touching that one with a ten foot pole Doc. So how long will I be without hot water?" Radek shrugs sleepily and gives a very McKayesque hand wave.

"Have not decided. Am too relaxed to plot revenge."

"That's good Doc. Keep thinking relaxed thoughts." A very naughty grin creases Radek's face.

"Relaxed was not right word."

"So don't wanna know Doc."

"You started it."

"Did not."

"You made porn reference in magnificent bathroom. But you did draw hot bath for me. That will count for something. Has anyone ever told you your last name rhymes with porn?" Lorne sighs and resists the urge to bang his head on the Jumper console.

"Every damn day since I hit junior high school."

End?


End file.
